I feel like Im always looking for the right words, and yet somehow I always screw them up.
Either what I have to say has piled up for so long, that the words that hurt the most get blurted out,
or Im so afraid of what I need to say, that I just dont say anything at all.
Neither is helpful, and neither works.
What I've realized is, the blurted out words, get the most results.
Its in these moments that you see, who is listening to what, and who is willing to see it through.
I've been in the same relationsship for so long, that I cant remember anything about me.
All I know is who I am in this house, who I am in this marriage, and who I am at work.
But as far as things outside of that, I dont know anymore.
I doubt I still love Jordan Knight from New Kids On the Block, or that I prefer Guess Jeans over Levi's because even though they cost 3x's the amount of money, they are the COOLEST ever !!!
I often wonder, who would I be, what would I have become, if I had left this relationship, 10, 15 or even 20 years ago.
I have never had any real dates, any real romantic adventures, I have never loved anyone else.
I wonder what loving and being loved by another man would feel like ?
and then I wonder if I even love the man I've been with for over 20 years?
How could I know, I have nothing to compare it to.
I need to figure it out, because for the last five or more years I have been in a downward spiral,
questioning my reactions more than his actions, and at times wondering, WHY I am here.
The last two and half years or so have really been shit in a fan, with the most amazing up's, following the worst of the downs.
I dont know if Im ready to give details, maybe someday, but right now, I need an outlet,
a place to let the words out, a place to figure out what the fuck I really feel, without advice from people who have been involved as long as I have.
We started counseling AGAIN at my suggestion.
As we walked in the counselors office, I thought, WTF am I doing here again.
I knew they were gonna ask all the same questions that they have before, and when I answer,
I get this out of body feeling, where Im listening to what Im saying, and I want to punch my own self in the face.
I want to tell myself YOU IDIOT do you hear what your saying??
Your married to a guy who DOESNT listen.... no amount of counseling is gonna change that.
I know this, because for over twenty years Ive been "reminding" him to do the same shit, that never gets done.
Our counselor suggested a group therapy class on "communication"..... mmm... Fuck that, I dont tell my friends and family my problems, Im not gonna sit in a circle of strangers and tell them shit Im pissed off about, for what, so they can offer me advice on how to get my husband to listen.
As I walked out of her office, I felt embarressed and helpless, honestly.
She suggested as homework, between our appointments, that we write eachother a "love" letter of sorts, telling each other why we love one another and why we fell in love.
Oh Brother!!!
Its on my mind 24/7 and I still havent written a single word.
Every though that comes to mind of why I love him, has a thought attached to it reminding me that I dont really love that certain thing about him.
For example I use to love what a hard worker and amazing provider he is, but I also feel like he uses work as an escape and uses providing as a means to be at work so much.
And I cant remember why I fell in love with him, because I was 12 years old, I doubt it was LOVE, I would say it was more like we both liked the same music and we both hung out with the same group of kids, etc.
Maybe I liked his hair cut ???
Whatever those reasons were, they certainly dont exist now.
So I thought, Maybe I dont love him anymore ?
and Im dealing with that.
Trying to figure out ONE thing that is so incredible about him, that it deserves the word LOVE.
I'm so lost in the frustrations that I cant see anything besides the issues at hand.
One of the biggest issues is COMMUNICATION.
and today I realized that its not really me who has a problem communicating with him, its him that to communicate with me.
So..... I dont know.
I just dont know anymore.
